My Angel
I remember the warmth as if I was hugging fire, melting into her, yet I did not want to let go. It was always cold; her glance never seized to make me freeze. She told me she was going to die soon. I did not want to accept this news or sadness. I had to be nothing but angry. Out of all the things I ever wanted her to tell me, first she tells me this, why? Why now!? I hadn’t had enough time with her, I didn’t even know I wanted more time till it seemed too late.
Growing up I believed that somehow, I could earn her love. I tried everything. No matter what I did I never got it. I knew she was lonely. I was the only person in her life, and it was my duty to cure her of this loneliness. But I believed she feared me for a reason I do not know. She punished me with loneliness and isolation by the very person I thought would always be there for me. At least that is what I have seen in the movies.
I wanted to know what she was thinking, her face only having an expression of emptiness. There were times I would make her laugh, and I thought it was the most beautiful sight in the world. Sometimes we would watch TV together or dance together and that was the happiest I had seen her. She seemed at peace. “My angel..” she would say with melancholy.
I remember the sounds of the nearby trees whistling with the wind. The birds are singing their songs. Most of the time she was in her room, never really coming out, the sound of nature filled the house's emptiness. Around ten I started cooking us dinner as she just stopped one day. I never thought of this as a burden at the time; I just wanted her to be happy and if I could make her happy, I would do it in a heartbeat. I cooked, cleaned, and got ready for school myself and stayed out of her way. I think that’s what she really wanted. Of course, she never told me.
The times she did come out she would just stare at me with dull and empty piercing eyes. Her smile and her peace went away and all that was left was nothing but a shell of life. When I got older, I believed things would be better. Our gray home would be filled with laughter and light, but that never happened. I started to resent her more and more. I then believed isolation was the best for us it became comfortable. One day I came home with her door cracked open, which never happened. I was curious to see her world. I peeked through to see her passed out in her own vomit. Empty bottles surrounded and comforted her. I called 911
An ambulance came and got her, that was the last time I saw her for years, I left that house and went to live at a friend's house till I went to college. I handed her my address whenever she wanted to reach out to me. I don’t know why I did that. Something in me is cursed, I guess. She just stared at me and said nothing. “Worthless” is what I believed she was thinking. I left to go upstate, graduated, and stayed there. I wanted my life to be filled with laughter and light without her. I think all her laughter dried up. After seven years she wrote to me, and to my surprise she wanted to see me.
I walked to the backyard greeted by an unfamiliar smiling face; I hadn’t seen that in years. It looked like she was in pain. I sat down and noticed her eyes were no longer dull but full of life. A life I didn’t know. She has been a ghost that has been haunting me for years. “My angel how are you?” she said. Her voice sounded full, no hint of the melancholy I once knew. I don’t know what came over me, it felt like an eternity before I answered her question. “Good.” Is all I could say, I wanted to escape her eyes. The memories of the blank dull stare are not present here anymore. I wondered if I was the one with the blank stare now. Have I died? She paused and sighed before speaking once again, "I know that our past is difficult, and I know that it feels years too late to try to have a relationship with you. But truthfully, I don’t have much time left.” My mind became still.
She continued, "Those years of never speaking to you were my choice and the burden I carry. A child should have a happy home. I never cared for you like I should have, and I resent myself for that. I was caught up in bad habits and addictions that held me more than I did you...” After all these years of wanting something from her to know what she was thinking. To see me and it’s finally happening. And it’s killing me.
I began to rise out of my seat I felt a grip on my wrist. I wanted to tell her she was right, it was too late, but I couldn’t. She spoke once more, "Please listen, I have been quiet way too long, you must know how I feel, the truth is I never wanted to be a mother, I neglected you. I’m surprised you stayed with me as long as you did but I need you to know I do love you. If anything you need to know I do, in my own way.” Time is never on my side, I no longer know what to do in this moment. Everything is frozen as she looks at me. I could do nothing but be grateful, empty, and angry. My cold tears managed to slip onto my cheeks, I felt everything the known and unknown when she hugged me